Recently, my co-worker asked me if I had made any friends in my city. Now, I went to college here, and I had several friends in college. Do I keep in contact with them? Absolutely not. So, of course, I responded honestly: No. She then proceeded to ask me what I do on weekends. I felt slightly bothered by this question, because I honestly didn’t know how to respond. No two weekends are the same, and I can honestly say I’m never lonely.
I’ve always been an introvert and I’ve always preferred to spend time on my own. In college, I had a group of friends that I’d hang out with, and every single day I felt emotionally drained. In fact, I think I was the most depressed I’ve ever been in my life during that time period. I was dependent on what they wanted to do, and even though I had people around me, I was the loneliest I’ve ever been in my life.
Now, my social circle consists of my co-workers and the people I’ve met online. I don’t go to bars, I seldom go out to eat, I rarely go to the movies, and I’m never bored. My weekends consist of writing, watching Netflix, reading, going on long walks, and running errands by myself. Sometimes I wish I had someone by my side, but I’m not lonely. I like being able to do what I want, when I want, without someone interfering.
Do I sound selfish? Of course I do. I’m allowed to be selfish, though. I only have my needs to worry about, and that’s exactly what I’m doing. That’s the single life, and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with my current lifestyle. Currently, I’m working on focusing on myself. I want to be a better person. Truthfully, I’ve never been a good person. I’ve always thought of myself before others, and I feel like I too often take advantage of others. I don’t want to be that person anymore.
I’m spending time by myself so I can learn to love myself. I haven’t closed myself out to the outside world entirely; I’m just choosing not to go out of my way to form friendships. I’m not at a point in my life where I want new friendships.
Most of the people I went to high school and college with are getting married and/or having babies. Everyone tells me that I should find someone. Dating is the farthest thing from my mind right now. Sure, it would be wonderful to have someone to love and who loves me, but I’m not ready to love someone right now. You can’t love someone else unless you love yourself first.
It’s been over a year since the person who ripped my heart into shreds exited my life. I’ve come a long way since then. There is no longer a constant burn in my heart. It’s no longer painful to think about him, though he still makes uninvited visits to my dreams on occasion. I can safely say I’m over him, though, and I’m ready to focus on myself. One day, I’ll be ready to let others in again. Today’s not the day. I have time. I’m only twenty-two. For now, I want to focus on my writing. Fictional characters are what bring me joy.