I stopped blogging for three months. Blogging has always been a challenge for me, to actually sit down and write out my thoughts. Usually, when I do, it’s scattered — a memo in my phone, on Evernote, in a random document. I struggle when it comes to putting my thoughts all in one place, which is why I started this blog, so I could do that.
The reason I stopped blogging between February and May isn’t because I stopped writing. I’m still writing fan fiction. I’m currently co-writing a fanfic, which I avidly write almost every day. I want this blog to be my anti-fandom blog, though. I’ve actively followed the Grey’s Anatomy fandom for almost two years. I’ve also allowed myself to become unhealthily, emotionally invested in the show.
Unless you’re living under a rock, you’ve probably heard that Shonda killed McDreamy in April. If you’re a normal person, you learned of his death on April 23rd. However, if you’re a person who actively follows the fandom online like I do, you first heard rumors that he was going to be killed off in February.
I spent months agonizing over this possibility, allowing myself to seep into a deep depression. There were days I was literally glued to my computer screen, phone, and iPad, unable to look away because I couldn’t stop thinking about this becoming a reality. I was terrified about what would happen if it happened.
Okay, he’s a fictional character, you say. What’s the big deal? I’ll answer that for you. Somewhere along the line I started using Derek Shepherd (McDreamy) as my substitute for a father figure. My father passed away when I was four years old, so I’ve never really had a father figure in my life. I have a step-father, but he’s not my father. I’ve always sought “fictional” father figures.
I’ve evaluated the men I’ve become attached to through the years on television, and all of them share similar characteristics that represent my ideal father. Jesse on Full House and Matt on 7th Heaven were two of my early role models. Neither died, though. I’ve never lost a male fictional role model — or a favorite character on television, period — through death.
McDreamy’s death devastated me, but I was more devastated by how he died than the fact he died. The episode was poorly written and obviously rushed, just to get Patrick Dempsey off the show. There are rumors around the internet, most of which I don’t believe because it’s the internet and you can’t believe everything you read. Plus, Hollywood is full of conspiracy theories and gossip.
The point is, Derek deserved better. The fans deserved better. The episode “How to Save a Life” was filled with tons of mockery of Patrick Dempsey as a person with dozens of plot holes. I know Grey’s Anatomy is prone to plot holes and doesn’t always make sense, but this was a new ridiculous level of nonsensical writing that, as a writer, I cannot forgive.
I used to look up to Shonda Rhimes, now I want nothing to do with her or her shows. A writer who allows her personal views to over take her ability to write a proper exit for a beloved fan favorite is not a writer I want to support or grow to become. Writers should never let their personal opinions impact their ability to tell a quality story.
I’m trying to disassociate from Grey’s Anatomy all together. It’s not easy, since it’s been part of my life for two years. I’m lucky it’s only two years, though, and I’m lucky I didn’t invest ten years of my life into this ridiculous show. Life goes on. I have more time to read now.
I’m only ashamed that I allowed fiction to halt my life. But Grey’s Anatomy was my escape from reality, and now I don’t have that escape.
I’ll find new escapes. (PS: Before you tell me, “It’s time to come back to reality instead of wasting your time escaping it,” stop right there. We all have different escapes. My obsession with fiction is no different than my parents’ obsession with football or music.)