Dreams · My Life

Out of ammo

Do you ever look up your dreams’ meanings? I do all the time. My dreams are almost always vivid and creative. They’re like movies. Sometimes, they’re better than movies. I love dreaming. Truth be told, sometimes I take naps periodically throughout the day just to dream, since like I said, my dreams are usually better than movies.

Last night I had an unusual dream. I appeared to be in a variation of a Call of Duty game. I had a gun, and I was fighting, then suddenly I was out of ammo, so all I had left was my sword. Then I was being stabbed by another player in the game, repeatedly. I knew I was going to die.

Ever notice that you always wake up before you die in your dreams? At least, I do. I have had dreams of ‘afterlife’ scenarios, though. I’ve never actually seen myself die.

A little online analysis of the dream speaks loud and clear:

To dream that your real life has turned into a video game implies that you are lacking any ambition and drive. You don’t have any direction in life and what you want to do.

Bingo! This couldn’t be more accurate. Lately, I’ve found myself asking often: Why am I here? What is my purpose? What am I doing today that will better me tomorrow?

I want to be a writer. I know that. I write almost every day, but I’ve been trapped writing fan fiction for so long, and I have no desire to publish the next Fifty Shades of Grey. If I publish something original, I want it to actually be…original.

But what if I’m not good enough? I ask myself. What if no one reads my book? As much as I’d love to make a living off writing, I know it’s not realistic, at least not right away. The competition is heavy. There are billions of books to read. Would anyone want to read my book?

Frankly, I don’t know where to turn next. When I was in school, I always thought I was ambitious. I always had one goal in mind at all times: Get an A! My goal was set. I was focused intently on it. Now that I’m out of school, I don’t have one set goal. I’ve tried creating a “21 Day Challenge” goal using social media to help change my life around, but I’m afraid it’s not specific enough. I need something more.

I need to figure out what I want out of life, and I need to feel like I’m worthy of greatness. I think that’s part of the problem. I don’t feel like I’m good enough, or deserving enough, to become a successful person, and there is why my ambition lacks.

I’m out of ammo, and I’m currently being stabbed to death.

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